yay! i finally found time to post..
its been super bz..all my leisure time is take away.
but only for a few days.
l
lets start abt todae...went for the nus dance concert after band.
we were all rushing there cuz we were let off at 525.
nic helped me bot old chang kee. phew some dinner!
so we sat in the bus..it was normal. i felt high strangely
usually after band im high. so yeah singing blah blah.
so yeah when we all were seated down.
i was kinda afraid our sch will be embarrassed in some way.
but they were quite silent but they turned restless after that.
esp in one very slow dance. oh boyy. the concert was nice.
i enjoy dance concerts as much as band concerts. why? i dunno!
i like dance too. but i cant dance. its juz something im able to appreciate i guess.
some ppl found it boring. i felt shocked. i mean how can someone feel like sleeping during a captivating performance!?
its like a blink of an eye can actually cuz u to miss one small movement of the dancers.
and if u miss slowly more and more movements, u lose the meaning of the performance.
make the most of it!
oh our sch is the guest performance.
okae so we went back to sch...
judee and nic kept bugging me to send them home.
i did ask my dad he said okae. but then i heard lizzie was fetching them.
so fine. but i juz dont like it if...u noe u ask ppl for a favour then u juz like oh no ure not needed anymore.
the worse thing later was tt emi was so thrown about.
i saw her hesitating to go in the car or not.
oh my gosh my heart like broke. so i told her i will send her.
at least she was appreciative.
i hate the topic on sending frens home.
cuz my parents and other parents are different.
in character wise in status wise in time wise.
yeah u wouldnt geddit anyway.
so later dad dropped me at the wake.
did i mention my grandma, my mums mum, my ahpo passed away on wednesday?
oh boyy i was shocked. it was so sudden. i could feel my mums sadness.
and i felt guilty tt i didnt visit her for a long time.
in juz a matter of months i lost 2 of my only grandparents left.
both my grandmas. ive nvr seen my grandpas b4 tho. so yeah.
another guilty reason was tt i noticed how much more i treasured my ah ma to my ah po.
its saddening. as tho i neglected her or smth.
but ah ma had only 3 grandkids. ah po has 10 grandkids...
ah ma lived with me ah po didnt.
ah po treated everyone the same. she doesnt judge,shes considerate,shes cute,shes loving and my mum loves her.
ah ma loved her son & 3 grandkids,she took care of us,loved us,brought us up,she left us with many nice memories.
before my ah ma passed away, i was afraid i wont cry during the funeral.
i was afraid that i wasnt as close as i thought i was. its all that doubts.
but such feelings make u feel so confused. but when i reached the hospital and saw her lying there peacefully without all that machines, its something i will never forget.
everyone was crying. something i nvr experienced before. the whole family just crying quietly and solemnly.
juz slowly being carried back to the past when ah ma was doing all those fun things with us. japanese war stories,teaching me how to cook,watching tv with us,saying bye and hi to us,communicating in hokkien.
u juz begin to miss it. everyone will have to lose a loved one sooner or later.
so i thought i wanna remember mine...no matter what.
for ah ma i cried at the hospital once but during the wake,i didnt shed a tear juz like a wooden block but when we were kneeling down for the coffin to be pushed out of the room, my bro broke down, i broke down my dad too. we all juz started crying to the floor. we werent in the mood for talking and when we were at the viewing area watching the coffin being pushed into the fire.
we all started crying again. serious crying.
wad was going thru my head was "ah is lying in there, shes gonna be gone"
i thot of the smiling ahma tt was always there and the one lying in the coffin. its juz bloodie painful.
im getting a little carried away.
oh im afraid i wont have feelings on sunday, the burial day.
ive been having very little feelings for her death.im guilty abt it. but i keep constantly ignoring them.
aiyah!
im tired. gonna sleep now.
night people.
yagooing out_*ger~